Selling war insurance

Airmain Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It was long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record insurance sales, which had  never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basic of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "if you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government had to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, " which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
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Tag: At work, funny stories

Downsizing

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning. He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. Downsizing." He's really upset. Everyone in his Department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He say to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them." He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does. Everything is equal. Productivity.Time off. Reports. Everything.He's in a quandary.It's Friday afternoon and he know his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye. " Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?" He look at her and says, "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. It can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off." And she look at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so I suggest you jack off."

Beer, booze and fun

"Did ya hear the news?"asked Keenan  of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife let him!".
"Bartender! Give me six boilermackers!!"

Depends on how fast

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisina by his cousin. “Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?” the cousin smirked and replied, “Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight.”

A suitable transplant

A fellow is walking into a hospital and see two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of flower beds.He goes over and says, "Can I help?Have you lost something?”
“No,” says one of doctors. “ We’re about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

Three envelopes

A fellow had just been as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open there if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six month late, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's send, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press --  and Wall Stress – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize.". This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

We can’t wait that long

A customer sent an order to a distributor for the large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left voice-mail for them saying, " We can't ship your new order until your pay for the last one." The next day the collection manager received a collect phone call, " Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

A mime in a zoo

One day an out of work day is visited the zoo and attemps to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crow, a zoo keeper graps him and draps him in to his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo 's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has die suddenly and the keeper feers that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offer the mine a job to dress up at the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enter the cage before the crowd comes. He discover 's that it's greated job.He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.However eventually the cowd tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. No wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climps to the top of his cage, crawls across a partion, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course,this makes the lion furious, but the crowds loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and give the mime a raise for being suck a good attraction. Well, it goes on for sometime, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts streaming and yealing "Help, Help me!", put the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, " Shut up you idiod! Do you want to get both fired?"